Getting the Love You Want PDF Summary by Harville Hendrix gives a rundown on how to find your true love and becoming someone's soul. Getting the love you want. The structure of the book is built on the classic, psychodynamic therapeutic tenet: 'make the unconscious conscious'. His message. Editorial Reviews. link-marketing.info Review. When Harville Hendrix writes about relationships, he discusses them not just as an educator and a therapist, but as a .
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Dr Harville Hendrix is one of the world's leading marital therapists. He began his career as a therapist counselling both individuals and couples. He mentioned that he felt competent and effective with individuals, but saw the marital relationship as a complex system and he was not. Getting the Love You Want A Guide for Couples. By: Harville Hendrix. ISBN: See detail of this book on link-marketing.info Book served by AMAZON. Getting the Love You Want is a great book on how childhood wounds influence our relationships. It has lots of practical exercises to heal childhood wounds and improve our relationships. Above everything, we seek connection, says Harville Hendrix.
It is as if the wounded child within takes over. Here are the very good ideas:. Whether or not you realize the full potential of this vision depends not o your ability to attract the perfect mate, but on your willingness to acquire knowledge about hidden parts of yourself. Download a Mountain of Knowledge For those of you who want to learn something new daily, 12min App takes you on a personal development journey with the key takeaways from the greatest bestsellers. It withdraws energy and involvement from the relationship that belongs in the relationship. Neither partner is allowed to leave the room until the exercise is completed. Take this summary with you and read anywhere!
It is especially easy for people to transfer their feelings about their parents onto their partners. He was in love with the idea of wish fulfilment and like Narcissus — with a reflected part of himself. As long as lovers maintain an idealized, incomplete view of each other. It is as if the wounded child within takes over.
All people know is that they feel confused, angry, anxious, depressed, and unloved.
And it is only natural that they blame all this unhappiness on their partners. Be as unpleasant as possible until someone come to your rescue. In its place comes the grim determination of the power struggle, in which each partner tries to force the other to meet his or her needs.
You feel betrayed. You are in pain, and you enter the fourth stage, bargaining. When couples reach this final juncture, they no longer have any hopes of finding happiness or love within the relationship; the pain has gone on too long. First of all, we choose our partners for two reasons: They know exactly what we want, and when and how we want it, but for some reason they are deliberately withholding it from us.
We then compound the problem by projecting our own denied negative traits onto them. As conditions deteriorate, we decide that the best way to force our partners to satisfy our needs is to be unpleasant and irritable, just as we were in the cradle.
If we yell loud enough and long enough, we believe, our partners will come to our rescue. And, finally, what gives the power struggle its toxicity is the underling unconscious belief that, if we cannot entice, coerce, or seduce our partners into taking care of us, we will face the fear greater than all other fear — the fear of the death.
On the surface, these first two stages of marriage appear to be worlds apart. Both individuals are still searching for a way to regain their original wholeness, and they are still holding on to the belief that their partners have the power to make them healthy and whole. This requires a switch in tactics, and husbands and wives begin to hurt each other, or deny each other pleasure and intimacy, in hopes of having their partners respond with warmth and love.
What lies beyond the power struggle? Seldom or never does a marriage develop into an individual relationship smoothly without crisis.
There is no birth of consciousness without pain. He hid his vulnerability behind his formidable intellect, which prevented any genuine intimacy. We must change our ideas about marriage, about our partners, and, ultimately, about ourselves.
After all, I am asking them not only to risk the anxiety of learning a new style of relating, but also to confront the pain and fear that have been bottled up inside them for decades-the reason for their dysfunctional behavior in the first place. We live impoverished, repetitious, unrewarding lives and blame our partners for our unhappiness. Like the Israelites, they tremble in front of the Red Sea , even though the way lies open to them. Achieving their vision is the goal of therapy. The reason for this is obvious: The Invisible Divorce.
Why do men and women spend so much time avoiding intimacy? There are two very good reasons: A tacit agreement has been broken. In retaliation they erect an emotional barricade. It withdraws energy and involvement from the relationship that belongs in the relationship. Come to a minimum of twelve therapy sessions, 2. Gradually close their exits-I let them know that all of these separate agreements ideally lead to a larger commitment: When two people treat each other the way they did in happier times, they begin to identify each other as a source of pleasure once again, and this makes them more willing to take part in intensive therapy.
People also need to learn how to let go of counterproductive behaviors and replace them with more effective ones. They were to view as an opportunity to pleasure each other, not as a bartering tool. I feel secure again, and the injury of my childhood is repaired in an adult relationship that has become a zone of love and safety. These were caring behaviors above and beyond those requested by the spouse.
When it was put in this less self-serving context. They discovered early in life that one way to maintain a feeling of autonomy around their intrusive parents was to keep their thoughts and feelings to themselves. In the end, it is safest not to know. The isolater has a chance to discover that sharing secret desires desires does not compromise his or her independence.
Many of your repetitious, emotional criticisms of your partner are disguised statements of your own unmet needs. Some of your repetitive, emotional criticisms of your partner may be an accurate description of a disowned part of yourself.
Some of you criticisms of your partner may help your identify your own lost self. When talking together reaches this profound level, it becomes a spiritual experience. I can see why you would think that way. Rita wanted more than to be heard. She wanted her thought processes to be validated. She wanted her husband to tell her that her worldview made sense. I make sense! In fact, many people come to the sobering conclusion that what they want most from their partners is what their partners are least able to give.
I conjectured, their partners would have to change. In others words, in his efforts to heal his partner he would be recovering an essential part of himself! The unconscious selection process has brought together two people who can either hurt each other or heal each other, depending upon their willingness to grow and change. The partner who requested the behavior changes was able to resolve some childhood needs.
The partner who made the changes recovered aspects of the lost self. He was not going to disappear, because he was not his behaviors, his values, or his beliefs.
You have to stop expecting the outside world to take care of you and begin to accept responsibility for your own healing. And the way you do this, paradoxically, is by focusing your energy on healing your partner. It is when you direct your energy away from yourself and toward your partner that deep-level psychological and spiritual healing begins to take place. The old brain will not allow its defences to be penetrated. When we become angry, it is because our life energy has been thwarted.
We become angry when the promise of life is denied. The exercise simply affirms the reality of your emotions. Neither partner is allowed to leave the room until the exercise is completed.
Neither partner can damage any property or touch the other partner in a hostile manner. The angry person must limit all remarks to a description of behavior, not a description of character. This deeper regression in a safe and loving environment can be very healing. The brain tends to favor messages that were laid down early in life over ones that are added later.
Your lack of anger accommodates this whole unhealthy dynamic we have together. We fear that what is inside of us is dark, ugly, and over-powering. But once we gain the courage to wrestle with this fear, we learn an astonishing fact: It is love; it is light; it is the essence of God.
And releasing this energy is the ultimate purpose of love relationships. When we regain awareness of our essential inner unity, we make an amazing discovery: The universe has meaning and purpose, and we experience ourselves as part of a larger whole. Above everything, we seek connection, says Harville Hendrix.
And what brings most couples to therapy is a lack of connection both between them and the world around. And the reasons why they fail at connecting, says the author, is because of their childhood. Children need an attuned parent. An attuned parent also encourages the baby to express all emotions by accepting them. Attuned parents raise children who are more likely to create solid and satisfying relationships as adults.
They are not attracted to people who abuse them and attract good mates with ease because they have a positive self image read how low self esteem gives you abusive relationships. My note: Harvilly is basically describing a secure attachment type. The author says most children suffer both wounds as many family tend to have a neglecting parent and an intrusive one. Hence building a strong connection with our partners both improves our relationships and fixes our old wounds.
Important note: Hendrix says that if he were to take all the insights he accumulated over thirty years and sum them up, it would be this:. We pick mates that enhance the chances of offspring survival. Men go for beauty and fertility young age and women go for alpha qualities also read The Selfish Gene and The Moral Animal. Social psychology postulates we pick mates that are more or less our equal also read The Social Exchange Rule.
How a potential mate enhances our own self esteem also read how to have perennial high self esteem. The theory Harville Hendrix add is that of the unconscious mind pulling us towards mates that resemble out caregivers. The author says that we seek mates who are similar to our caregivers to heal child wounds.
Our old brains believes we have finally found the ideal candidate to make for the psychological damage of our childhood. Indeed we look both for positive and negative traits from our parents, but the negative traits are far more influential. Parents who push children away raise children with an insatiable need for closeness anxious and parents who smother their children and never let them explore raise children who crave personal space avoidants.
My Note: I am an avoidant and my parents gave me all the freedom in the world. Children will invariably get the message that some of their behavior are not OK, which makes them feel like they are not accepted as a whole.
And we often project the traits of our lost self that we denied into our partner.
For example, we might project our repress anger on our partner and feel that they are angry persons. At a certain point romantic love ends and the power struggle begins. The author says that once the relationship is secure a switch happens and we activate all the latent infantile wounds. We find that those complementary personality traits annoy us, and the traits of our lost self that we longed for now wound us. The same way our parents hurt us when they neglected or repressed them.
Only a minority of couples manages to overcome the power struggle phase.
The book has lot of exercises. If you feel this is an issue you have in your relationship, then I recommend you grab a copy. I particularly liked a central tenet, which is that to be loved, we must first love. To be loved, we must first love Click To Tweet.